New Dad
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Cartman is horrified to discover that his mom has been seeing Clyde's dad...and there's a chance of things being taken to the next level. ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like! Rated T for language.


(A/N: I'm gettin' bad at titles...)

* * *

"Makin' my way downtown, walkin' fast, faces pass and I'm home bound~," Cartman made piano noises as he slammed the front door open. "MEEEEAM!"

"I'm in the kitchen, poopsiekins!"

He stomped into the kitchen, where he found his mother cooking his lunch-dinner. His linner.

"Mom, I- -...what's the matter with you?"

"What do you mean, dear?"

"Your smile...it's a lot wider than usual. Kinda freaking me out, to be honest...are you on LSD or something, Mom?"

"Hehe! No, poopsie, I'm just genuinely happy for once, that's all!"

"Oh...'kay. Anyway, back to me!" Cartman sat down and began stuffing his face. "You know that little buttpipe, Clyde?"

"Yes, your little friend from school who you say cries like a pussy all the time, right?"

"Yeah, he's the one. So, today in class, we had to present this project we've been working on about our families, right?"

"Uh-huh?"

"And then it was Clyde's turn."

"Mm-hmm."

"And AS USUALLY, he started crying his little puss-ass eyes out! And I was all like, 'hurry up, Clyde, we don't have all fucking day!' And then everyone started getting all MAD at me! Like, they were saying 'you're being insensitive' and 'you wouldn't understand, Cartman, your mom's still alive!' The fuck?! First of all, I just wanted to get it over with! I'm pretty sure NO one wanted to sit and watch Clyde cry for half an hour. And second of all...I don't have a dad, so! I basically know how it feels! You know what I'm saying, Mom?"

"Yes, dear!"

"...okay, Mom, seriously. This smiling thing is starting to creep me out."

"Oh, Eric, it's my new boyfriend!" Ms. Cartman finally revealed. "I've never felt such a connection with anyone before!"

"You got a new boyfriend?!" sputtered Cartman. "Since when?!"

"About five months ago."

"That isn't exactly what 'new' means, Mom! Godammit, how can I get rid of him...?" Cartman had spoken the last part under his breath.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him, Eric. But our relationship has been going so fast! Last week, he even asked me to marry him!"

Cartman nearly choked on his linner. "What the hell?! What'd you tell him?!"

"I told him I needed time to think about it..."

"Like hell you do! Dump his ass!"

"Whatever for?"

"Mom, any guy who asks you to marry him after FIVE months of dating is not a guy you wanna be with! He's probably just some straight-out-of-college douchebag who wants to mooch off of you!"

"Oh, nooo. Roger is around my age."

"'Roger'? That's his name? Huh, sounds pretty FAKE to me."

"Now you're just being silly."

"I'm not being silly, Mom! Do you have any idea how many creeps, swindlers and creepy swindlers there are out there? At least five! And you're such an easy target!"

"That's quite enough! You re- -"

"No, YOU'RE quite enough! I'm so tired of you caring about your dumb man whores more than you care about ME!"

His mother looked hurt by his words, but Cartman was too used to this bullcrap. Disheartened, he left the house again to get some fresh air.

He still had some chicken skin with him from his linner, and he munched it angrily on his way down the sidewalk.

"Stupid MOM! She doesn't even care! She thinks she can suck the dick of any guy she wants! What a stupid whore! Doesn't even care about how I feel...AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NOISE?!"

Cartman furiously looked around for the source of an obnoxious noise that had disrupted his thoughts. He turned and saw a crying Clyde sitting on his porch.

"CLYDE! Shut the fuck up!"

Clyde sobbed a bit more before replying. "I don't WANNA! WAHHH!"

"I said SHUT UP, buttpipe!"

"BUTICAN'TBECAUSEMYDADISGETTINGREMARRIEDANDIDON'TWANTHIMTOOOO!"

"WH-WHAT did you say?"

Clyde suddenly calmed down. "'I don't wanna'?"

"No, AFTER that."

"'My dad is getting remarried'?"

"Y...Your dad's name wouldn't happen to be...'Roger', would it, Clyde?"

"Well, actually- -"

"If it is, I'm gonna fucking kill you."

Clyde made a face. "...well, what do you expect me to say to that?!"

"Oh. My. GOD."

"What?"

"Motherfucker!" Cartman swore. "I think I'm gonna puke...!"

"Why?"

"YOUR dad has been seeing MY mom! That means that if they get married, we'll be, like...brothers!"

"Oh, Christ!" Clyde gasped. "Everyone at school would rip on us for weeks!"

"Yeah...but it's okay! It's chill!" Cartman forced a smile. "My mom hasn't accepted the offer yet! I'll just have to manipula- -I mean, persuade her not to marry your dad."

"Huh, well, you better be a damn good manipulator, because my dad is gonna take your mom out again _tonight_!" Clyde revealed. "And he's gonna propose to her with an even bigger, more expensive-ass ring than last time! You know how chicks are; no way your mom's gonna turn that down!"

"Shut up about my mom, Clyde!"

"Sorry, geez!"

"Alright...we'll just have to steal that ring. No ring, no proposal. Is your dad home?"

"Yeah, he's in the basement right now," Clyde stood determinedly. "The ring's in his bedroom, so maybe we could get it."

"Let's go, then!"

The two boys hurried inside and up the stairs. Once they reached their destination, Clyde peeked around the corner into the room.

"The coast is clear!" he entered. "Let's get looking for that ring. It's probably somewhere inconspicuous like in those movies where the dude is cheating on his wife and he keeps the mistress's panties under the mattress or something."

"Wait, wait, wait. You don't know where your dad is keeping it?"

"Of...course not?"

"But you somehow knew it was in his room?!"

"Shush! Maybe I'm not 100% sure, but I know it'd be in here somewhere. Now, if I were a ring, where would I be?"

"Probably on a finger."

"Ahahaha!"

" _What?_ "

"BOYS!"

"AHHH!" the duo jumped.

Mr. Donovan stepped in carrying a laundry basket. "What're you doing in here?"

"Dad...!" Clyde wrapped an arm around Cartman. "I just wanted to show Cartman yourrr _awards_!"

"Ah," the man fondly turned to his display case of trophies, ribbons and photos. "I AM pretty proud of them. I guess I can see why you'd wanna show it off."

"Pfft! You used to be a cheerleader?" Cartman snickered before Clyde pinched his shoulder. "OW!"

"Feeling better, son?"

"Yeah, Dad."

"Oh, good."

Clyde's father put the basket down and opened his bedside table drawer. He pulled out the enormous ring case and discreetly stuffed it in his pocket.

Cartman and Clyde stared at him, mouths agape.

He backed out of the room. "Shhhh..."

"...duuude, did you see the size of that ring?! Your mom's totally gonna accept it!"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up...!" Cartman took a deep breath. "It's cool. I can convince my mom not to go on the date. I'll just...fake being sick, and she'll have to stay home to take care of me! We'll figure out something long-term from there!"

"Okay!" Clyde gave him a thumbs-up. "Good luck, man!"

Cartman eyed him strangely. "I think this is the first thumbs-up I've ever gotten in my life."

"Cool..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Don't you know we're riding on the Marrakesh Express? Don't you know we're riding on the Marrakesh Express? They're taking me to Marrakesh, all aboooard the train~," Cartman sang as he approached his home. "MR. KITTY!"

"Myrowr?" Mr. Kitty poked her head out of Cartman's bedroom window.

"Mr. Kitty, you better not have been going through my stuff again!" the boy called up. "Now come down here, I need you for somethin'!"

The cat jumped all the way down from the window and landed in front of her owner. Cartman picked her up and ran the side of her body all over his face.

"A-CHOO!" he sneezed, scaring Mr. Kitty off. His face was now red and chaffed. "Alright...time to sell this shit."

He shuffled into the house.

"MEEEEEAM, I'M SICK! ...Mom?" He climbed up the stairs and peeked into his mom's room.

She was all dressed up and putting on earrings.

"Oh! Hello, Eric! Hope you're in a better mood. Roger just called and invited me out for dinner! We'll be going in just a couple minutes!"

Cartman sniffed. "Yeah, okay, but I'm sick, sooo you gotta cancel. My health is your top priority, sorry not sorry..."

"Ohhh, really? Well, that's alright, Eric; I can get Mrs. Broflovski to look after you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Cartman was lying in bed glaring at the ceiling, when his cellphone rang.

 _All you ladies pop your pussy like th- -CLICK!_

"Yo."

"So? How'd the whole 'faking sick' thing go?"

"Dude. Clyde. We both saw that ring. We gotta face facts, okay? Those two are getting engaged tonight."

"No, they aren't! We can't just give up, there's gotta be a way to stop this. Hurry, meet me at the Bertucci's on Maple Street!"

Cartman sighed. "Whatever you say, man..."

 _CLICK!_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Clyde impatiently tapped the handle of his bike. "Come on, come on..."

"Heyyy," Cartman pedaled up to him. "So what's your idea?"

"We're gonna fucking RUIN this date!" declared Clyde. "My dad gets really stressed when things don't go exactly as he plans, so if we just have to do little things throughout the date, it'll make him too nervous to propose! We can do it."

"Sure," huffed Cartman. "Let's sneak in through the back. God, this is annoying..."

"What's annoying, dude?"

"This whole situation!"

"Cartman, I mean you no disrespect, but now is NOT the time to be a bitch. Come on, let's do this."

And so, Cartman and Clyde snuck into the kitchen through the back door. Somehow, no one saw them. They slipped aboard a cart that was rolled out right to their parents' table.

"Wow, that was convenient," remarked Clyde.

"SHH!" Cartman slipped under the table with him.

"Liane..." came Mr. Donovan's voice. "You look lovely."

"Oh! Thank you, Roger," giggled Ms. Cartman.

"Immediate regret," her son quietly groaned.

Clyde held his head. "Why did we do this?"

His father stood. "Just a minute, I need to use the bathroom."

"Phew..."

"Alright, slight change of plans," suggested Cartman. "I'm gonna try to talk him out of it."

"Okay, sweet," Clyde nodded.

Stealthily, Cartman crawled away from the table, keeping his body against the wall. When he got a fair distance away, he rose and dashed into the men's room.

"Mr. Clyde's dad!"

"Oh!" the man turned. "Eric. What're you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you about my mom!" Cartman's voice suddenly took on a solemn tone. "It's really important."

"Oh," Mr. Donovan knelt down. "Well, make it quick, I gotta take a dump."

"Look...my mom is really important to me. I don't have anyone else. No real friends, no siblings, just me, my cat and my mom. You can only imagine how close we are. She's been in and out of a lot of relationships, and every time, I'm left all alone. So, you can only imagine how I felt when I heard you guys were planning to get married. I guess what I'm trying to say is, my mom and I love each other. And I'm afraid marrying you means she won't love me anymore."

"I'm glad you told me this." Mr. Donovan put a hand on his shoulder. "I understand how you feel; ever since my wife died, it's just been me and Clyde. That's tough. But I promise, we can work this out. The power of love can do anything, don't ya know? I want nothing more than for your mother to be the new Mrs. Donovan."

Cartman stared blankly at him. "God, you're lame."

He whipped out a gun.

"And I've got some bullets I need to dispose of."

"WHOA, WHOA!" Clyde's dad immediately backed away. "The heck are you doing?!"

"What I gotta do!" Cartman fired, and missed. "Tch! You're pretty fast for an old guy!"

"I didn't move..."

 _PEW! PEW! PEW! PEW! PEW!_

"AGH!" A bullet grazed Mr. Donovan's arm. "HELP! POLICE!"

He managed to exit the bathroom while Cartman was reloading, but the fat boy gave chase just a few seconds later.  
Chaos erupted throughout Bertucci's as he ran after Mr. Donovan, shooting wildly. Once the walls were filled with more holes than a jumbo-pack of Swiss cheese, Cartman had his target cornered, but he'd run out of ammo. He cursed as a crowd of people gathered between the pair.

"GODAMMIT!" He threw the empty gun to the floor. "I was so close!"

"Eric Theodore Cartman!"

"Oh, no...middle name..."

Liane stomped out of the crowd. "What were you thinking running around with a gun in a public place?! That was very dangerous!"

"Okay, I get it!" Cartman crossed his arms. "Geez, it's not like anybody died...unfortunately. OW!"

She had smacked him on the head. "Naughty!"

"Owww!" Cartman rubbed his fresh bruise. "Mom-MYyYYy! This is child abuse!"

His mother chuckled. "That's my Eric!"

Roger gave her a shocked look. "Did you see what just happened?! That little gremlin just tried to murder me in a cold blood!"

"Oh, yes. Luckily nothing too bad happened!" Ms. Cartman gave a joyful nod. "So, should we continue with dinner?"

"You...you're crazy! My friends were right, you're CRAZY! I can't believe it! I almost became a Lifetime movie character!" Mr. Donovan yanked the ring case out of his pocket and planted it right beside Cartman's gun. "I almost died tonight!"

Everyone stared at him as he stormed out of the building.

"...thank God!" Cartman broke the silence. "I thought he'd never leave. And, oh yeah, Clyde."

"Heyyy," Clyde came up behind him. "I saw...that whole thing."

"Oh, uh," Cartman raised his hands defensively. "Okay, maybe I went a little far, but...!"

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad I'm not an orphan. Plus, we succeeded! But I'm pretty sure my dad needs some emotional support right now and has quite possibly shit himself, so I better get on that."

"You do that!" Cartman gave him a thumbs-up. "Huh? See? It's like how you gave me one before."

"Um, thanks, dude," Clyde returned the gesture. "See you later, I guess."

"..." Cartman stared after Clyde as he left. "Well, Mom, I guess we should be...Mom?"

He saw Liane hunched over, on her knees. She was holding the ring from Roger.

"Crazy..." she muttered.

"Sweet, he left that ring behind!" Cartman observed. "It must be worth, like, ten million dollars!"

Ms. Cartman heaved a sigh. "It's a darn shame things didn't work out with Roger. But I'm glad I still have you, Eric. I'll always have you, right?"

Cartman eyed her sad smile. "Suuure, until-I-move-out. Let's go home already. I'm sleepy."

"Alright. Do you want to get McDonald's first?"

"OOH! Yesyesyes!"

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(A/N: Well that got...odd. When I started out writing this however many months/years ago, it was supposed to be a silly story about Cartman and Clyde, but by the end of it, it's more like a sad story about Cartman and his mom...I dunno, writing is weird.

Anyway, if you enjoyed this, please review, fave, point out any mistakes and check out my profile for me! Au revoir!)


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